Posted on August 24 2019
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
I’ve made many mistakes in my life. Looking back, my past is tainted, filled with darkness and regret. I’m not proud of the things that I’ve done. The people I’ve hurt. I’m sorry to everyone who has been affected by my poor choices, my poor, and often times lacking judgment. I’m sorry for wronging you.
Ironically enough though, I’ve also been hurt in ways that I don’t even want to begin to describe. I couldn’t tell you which is worse; hurting someone you love or being hurt by the one person who you believed would never hurt you. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. And to be honest, neither of them are good places to be found. But the truth of the matter is that at one point or another, we will all end up on either side. Chances are, we’ll be on both at some point.
We humans are by nature, flawed. We make mistakes. We hurt people we love. We exercise poor judgement.
I’m not trying to make excuses for our behavior. Hurting someone we love is never okay, nor is it acceptable. But it happens. I understand that. I know what I did in the past, and I know I will never do those things again. That’s growth. I learned from my mistakes and changed. That’s all you can do in this life. Becoming better each and every day.
Forgiving yourself for hurting a person you love is hard, incredibly hard. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there.
I know I’ve hurt you in ways that you didn’t deserve. You didn’t deserve none of it. But what you did to me was so incredibly vindictive and selfish. Was it payback? Payback for everything I did to you.
The hardest thing is forgiving a person who isn’t even sorry for wronging you. Who doesn’t even realize the damage that they’ve done. They’re not sorry. They’re not trying to fix their mistake; they’re not trying to reconcile. They simply do not care.
Yet we still have to forgive them. We have to if we want to truly let them go. If we want to move on.
Forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. It’s accepting that the past is just that, the past. It’s over. What’s done is done. Forgiveness is coming to terms with the fact that the dust has settled, and the destruction left in its wake can never be reconstructed to resemble what it was. There is no going back, no makeovers.
Forgiveness is accepting that yes, maybe you caused the hurricane, or maybe you didn’t, but the destruction has taken place and even though it may be unfair, you still have to live in its devastation.
Forgiveness means accepting responsibility – not for causing the destruction, but for cleaning it up. It’s the decision that restoring your own peace is finally a bigger priority than disrupting someone else’s.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re going to be best friends with the person who hurt you, it doesn’t mean you have to endorse what they’ve done to you. It’s not forgetting what has happened. It just means accepting that they’ve left a mark on you. A mark that is now your burden to bear.
It means you’re done waiting for the person who broke you, to come put you back together.
It’s realizing that you need to put yourself back together. It’s accepting that they’ve wounded you so profoundly, the scars may remain for a lifetime. But scars are beautiful I tell you. Scars are proof that at one point, you overcame something that was made to destroy you. Be proud of those scars.
So this is me forgiving you. Because it’s time to move on. It’s time to let go. This is me forgiving you for lying to me for 6 months. For leading me on. For leaving and coming as you pleased. For making me believe you were being genuine when you said you wanted this to work. This is me forgiving you for all the mixed signals, the confusion, the back and forth, the second-guessing, the constant questioning. This is me forgiving you for lying when you said you’d still love me, for saying you loved me period. Because let’s be honest, you never did.
This is me forgiving you for robbing me of 6 months of my life, for robbing me of my peace. This is me forgiving you for replacing me so effortlessly. For dropping me like a defected toy after you were done breaking me.
If I have to forgive you for all these things, then of course it’s only fair if I give myself.
So this is me forgiving myself for all the bad things I’ve done to you. For hurting you, breaking your trust, for lying to you. This is me forgiving myself for making you feel insecure. For the disrespect, all the sleepless nights. This is me forgiving myself for the jealousy and all the fights I started because I was insecure. This is me forgiving myself for thinking what we had was special, because it wasn’t. At least not for you. If it was, you would have needed more than a week to move on. This is me forgiving myself for thinking I was anything more than a placeholder.
This is me forgiving myself for not leaving this relationship a lot earlier. This is me forgiving myself for letting you break me for 6 continues month. I let you come back and leave my life as you pleased. It was my fault. I should have known that you couldn’t let the past go. I told you to let me or my mistakes go, but you simply couldn’t do that. You were determined to make my life a living hell.
It’s my fault, I let you do this to me when everyone around me told me to walk away. But I loved you, I didn’t have the strength to walk away. So I’m forgiving myself for that too. I’m forgiving myself for being too weak to walk away, to put an end to our chapter.
I wrote an article the other day about how it is time to move on. And moving on requires forgiveness. Total forgiveness. Forgiveness for others, and forgiveness for ourselves.
I don’t hate you for what you’ve done to me, but I can’t respect you either. I can never look at you the same way. I dated a stranger for two years. Because clearly I didn’t know you. I forgive you even though you’re not even sorry for hurting me, for robbing me of my peace. You don’t care. But that’s just who you are, and I see that now. You never were able to admit when you were wrong. This is no exception. It’s who you are. It’s okay though. I’m forgiving you for myself, for my own peace, my own healing.
Total forgiveness for the both of us. For choosing each other when we should have chosen ourselves.