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I'm Not Going Back

Posted on August 06 2019

I'm Not Going Back
"Never going back". Those are the three words my pastor kept on saying throughout one of his sermon. And I can’t help but to feel drawn towards those words. 3 words, 14 letters that describe my life perfectly.
I’m never going back to the toxic lifestyle, the toxic relationships, the self-destructive behavior. There’s no going back to the old life. That life is behind me. I’m not looking back. I’m not looking over my shoulder and wonder ‘what could have been’. I put the ‘what if’s’ to rest. I put our memories in a box and buried them deep under the ground, covered them with dirt. Because that’s where they belong.
I’m not going back to the pain I’ve caused, the pain you’ve caused. I’m not going back to the confusion, the mixed signals. The guilt-trips that I so easily walked into.
I’m not going back to the bad habits I’ve exhibited, the lies, the deception. I’m not going back to the fake friends. I’m not going back to a life where I believed you were better than me. I’m not going back to the brokenness.
I'm not going back to investing my time and energy into people who don't share the same values and principles as me. I won't go back to supporting people who've never supported me.
I'm not going back to being friends with people who've only used me and spoke to me when it was convenient for them. 
I’m not going back to the old me, because the old me is dead and gone. The new me is writing these words with hope in the future, faith in the presence and forgiveness for the past. My heart is filled with Christ and I’m never going back.
I’m not going back to a life where I felt I wasn’t good enough. I’m not going back to the doubt and insecurities. The fear of losing you to someone better. I started a new life, a life where I know that I am worthy, that I in fact, am good enough, despite you making me believe that I wasn’t.
I’m not going back to the indecisiveness, the second-guessing. I’m not going back to the doubts, because the new me deserves someone who knows what they want. I’m not going back to the old me, the me that hurt so many people, the me that broke people, broke you.
I’m not going back to that. I’m not going back to the overthinking, the jealousy, my God am I not going back to my jealous ways. I’m not going back to the drugs and the toxic lifestyle. I’m not going back to the things that push me further away from God. I’m not going back to the foolish idea that you’d come back, the idea that I wanted you back.
I’m not going back to thinking that this was fixable, that there was hope for us. Because you never wanted it to workout.
I’m not going back my old ways, to making excuses for my behavior. I’m taking responsibility for my mistakes. I own them. But I do not let them define me. And I won’t let anyone hold my mistakes over my head. I won’t be manipulated into believing that I am not worthy.
I’m not going back to a life where I believed what we had was special, a life where I thought we had a connection.
I’m not going back to my naive ways. I’m not going to sit there and pretend like you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m not going to pretend like I was the best thing that happened to you.
I’m not going back to thinking that this could have ended any other way.
I’m never going back to my old life, a life without Christ. Because a life without Christ isn’t a life at all. I’m finally alive, I’m free. And I could never go back to the chains of toxicity, chains of lies and deception, chains of corruption, chains of weakness. The lord is a chain breaker. And he broke me free. There’s no shame, no bitterness, no hatred.
I’m not going back to the days where I was thinking God was punishing me, when in fact all he’s ever done was to protect and prepare me.
My heart is pure and at peace. I’m not going back. 
It’s a new day. A new beginning. There’s no turning back.
I pray that you find the strength to move forward, to look ahead. To let go of the past, the shame, the guilt, the anger, the resentment.