Posted on August 12 2019
I still think about what went wrong, where did we fail, were did it all go downhill. There were plenty of issues, many of them caused by me. Yet that wasn’t it, not really, not completely. Sure you could make the argument that my toxic traits and self-destructive behavior at the time would have caused any long-term relationship to be eroded and shaken to its core.
You could make that argument and you’d be correct. I was wrong. But there’s more to the story. And so I keep circling back to the same conclusion. You never loved me. Not really, not me. And I don’t mean this is an overly dramatic way like “oh my God, you never loved me”, no. But you literally didn’t love me.
You may thought you did, but what you thought was loving ‘me’ simply turned out to be loving the idea of me. You loved the idea of having a boyfriend, of having someone by your side. You love the idea of marriage and raising a family. When we met you were at a turning point in your life.
You wanted excitement, someone to travel with, someone to break you out of your comfort zone. And at that point in your life, I just happen to fit that criteria. You met me and you were instantly hooked. Not because of me, but rather because of everything I represented. I was new, different, exciting. I wasn’t your long-term partner, but rather a simple placeholder. You didn’t fall in love, you became infatuated.
I think we do that you know, we sometimes don’t really love the person but rather we find ourselves falling in love with what they stand for. The idea of them rather than the individual itself. And ideas change, our status changes, our needs do. So when we fall for people based on our current needs, needs that may soon change because they’re situational, then we end up confusing love for infatuation.
It’s a dangerous game we play, and if we want to be honest, everyone has played it at one point or another. Chances are you didn’t even know you were participating. We do it unknowingly and often times without bad intentions.