I’ve never been a fan of endings. Letting go has always been difficult for me. I think it is for most people. We don’t like goodbyes. But all things sooner or later come to an end. I suppose we all think there’s more time. More days with the people we love. More birthdays to celebrate, more trips to take, more nights together, more jokes to make, more memories to create.
But there comes a point in life when you will find yourself running out of days. You run out of time.
Think back, did you think that hug was the last hug you would ever give each other? That last kiss, last dinner together, last trip you took with the person you love. Did you think then that it would be your last time?
You think back and think of all the ways how you could have been a better husband, a better girlfriend, a better friend. That argument you shouldn’t have started. That anniversary you should have planned better. That trip you should have taken together.
You will beat yourself up over all the ways you could have been better, but weren’t. How you fell short. But you know what? That is life. Sometimes you fall short. You lose out. You miss your chance. You fail.
And it is okay to fail.
I know endings can be devastating. The ending of a relationship. The ending of a long-lasting friendship. It’s never easy. You’re going to try and look for closure. Because we think that once we have closure, we can simply move on and life will be good again.
Sometimes you will do whatever it takes to get closure. Sometimes you will stalk the other person’s social media, looking for hints about why they left. Sometimes you will send texts that go unanswered. Sometimes you will ask questions that are dodged. Sometimes you will feel completely lost, because you have no idea how two people who once loved each other could have drifted off so much.
Sometimes you will pick yourself apart, trying to decide which one of your flaws convinced them to bail. Sometimes you will over-analyze all of the insignificant things you have said and done in the past. Sometimes you will start hating yourself, because you don’t know what else to do.
Relationships are messy, and the endings aren’t always clean. We crave a final sentence.
We really want a concrete ending, a period at the end of the chapter. But we usually feel like we are left with a comma, left taking a breath in the middle of a sentence.
The comma becomes an ending, and then the choppy ending feels unfinished and unresolved, like something is missing. It seems like so many unspoken words and broken thoughts are still floating around out there in the universe, and here we are, broken and scattered just trying to pull ourselves back together.
We feel as though the goodbye came too soon or too suddenly. You had all these plans with this person. I mean, how did we only get two years together when really, we were supposed to spend our lives together? What about our wedding? The children we were supposed to bring into this world and raise together? The names we picked out. What about all the beautiful places in this world we said we’d travel to? Our honeymoon. The house we said we’d buy. All the dogs we said we’d adopt.
Did we really make all these plans together, just to end up apart, and ultimately make them with someone else?
How does that make sense?
We feel like everything was ripped out from under us, and we don’t have a handle on the situation. All we want is to find some sort of peace, some sort of feeling of reassurance. We want to know that everything is going to be okay. And without closure, it’s hard to feel like everything is going to be okay.
We so badly want to analyze the situation, breaking it down into logic and facts. We want to put our finger on the broken part, and then determine how to fix it, or at least, how to move on. But often times there’s no rhyme or reason. There’s no fix for a broken relationship. There’s no proof or logic that will solve this riddle, no matter how badly we want it. The truth is, sometimes you won’t get the chance to say goodbye in the way you would wish for.
Sometimes she won’t say goodbye. Sometimes he won’t tell you that he still cares. Sometimes she won’t help you tie up the loose ends.
Sometimes there is no closure. There will always be a ‘what if’. Another question. Another excuse as to why you should text them. But you can’t possibly expect to find closure in those questions. Hearing their voice won’t make all your doubt go away. Seeing them won’t give you peace of mind.
There are times when you have to learn how to make your own peace out of a broken and heartbreaking ending.
Sometimes all you can do is walk away, knowing that you walked out of the situation wiser. When you ask yourself “why did this happen”? Tell yourself that it was a learning experience.
You have to accept that the closure that you seek will need to come from within you, as you will never get closure from them. Closure will come when you realize that maybe they're not the one for you after all. I know you thought they were, but even though you thought that what you had was perfect, something wasn’t completely aligned between your hearts. Something was broken.
You’ll have to tell yourself that something wasn’t right, and that it would never be right, no matter how many times you replay each little moment in your head. You will have to convince yourself that he did love you, despite how hard he broke your heart. You will have to convince yourself that everything between the two of you was real, and that it meant something, maybe even everything, even if it shattered into a million tiny glass pieces.
Maybe what you two had was magic, it was life-altering. It was beautiful. But even the most beautiful things have an ending.
You will have to acknowledge that it is time to create new beginnings. And that is the beauty with all endings; new beginnings. You will have to fight like hell like hell to create these new beginnings, because your heart and your thoughts will still be preoccupied with endings. You will have to fight to let go of what was in order to make room for what could be.
So, stop pressing send on that text message that lingers on your screen, the message that begs for another chance.
Because you know, deep down, that you shouldn’t try again. You know, deep down, that the ending has already started. You will have to realize that she is now part of the past, part of your previous chapter. You’ll have to remind yourself that that gorgeous smile and long familiar warm hugs have to stay tucked away in your memories now.
You’ll have to remind yourself that you will feel warm again one day. One day you will be okay. You’ll have to remind yourself that the ending doesn’t change the middle. The ending doesn’t make the story any less special, or less magical. You guys were amazing, and no one will ever be able to take that away from you two.
I know it doesn’t feel like it today, but one day you will look back on your current situation and realize that what happened, had to happen. It doesn’t make sense today, but one day all the questions will make sense. Those million broken pieces will fall into place and create something new, something better.